Porky Problems

Chapter 1: Dreaming of War

“RIDLEY! THE PIGMASKS HAVE RECONSTRUCTED PHAZONING KRAID! WE HAVE TO STOP THEM!” Crocomire called. Ridley turned around. “Send in the Space Pirate troops. If that doesn’t work, throw pineapples at their king!” Suddenly, a voice echoed across the area.

"Let me fill you in on something. No matter how much you attack me, I'll never die. Even if I somehow wind up beaten, I'll never die. Bet you didn't know that, did you?"

Before Ridley and Crocomire could turn around, there was a large explosion followed by the voice laughing and the shriek of Crocomire.

“PHAZON YOU!” Ridley screeched in his sleeping bag. The Ultimate Chimera woke up immediately. “What nightmare did you have THIS time?” he groaned. “Another Space Pirate-related dream, and this one had the Pigmasks as well.” The Ultimate Chimera pulled out an iPhone. “To see a pig in your dream symbolizes dirtiness, greediness, stubbornness or selfishness.” Ridley knocked the iPhone out of the Ultimate Chimera’s hands. “Some app won’t do phazon” Ridley smashed the iPhone repeatedly. A Dragonite slowly emerged.

It was Drago, the Dragonite friend of Ridley and the Ultimate Chimera. “W-what are you guys arguing about?” Drago said, rubbing his eyes. He glanced at the wrecked iPhone. “Ah, I see you hate Apple…” He joked.

Chapter 2: Claus’ Clues

Later that day, Ridley was looking at deviantART. “Agh, why would they draw the Ultimate Chimera with horns and three yellow tongues? What’s the point?!” He growled, looking through a gallery. “Who the phazon ships Porky with Picky? THEY’RE PHAZONING BROTHERS! What’s so fascinating about shipping anyway?!” Suddenly, Ridley heard footsteps and turned around.

Claus, his Portal Master, was awake. Ridley immediately changed the tab. Claus took the laptop and looked through Ridley’s browser history as Ridley stared at him with an afraid expression. “CL4U5?” as he clicked on the link, Ridley tackled him and the computer dropped out of Claus’ grasp. Ridley gasped and opened the laptop, only to see the screen was cracked and the laptop wouldn’t turn on. The Ultimate Chimera slowly walked into the room. “CL4U5 is a deviantART user that draws you as an anime character with three rainbow tongues. You have one red eye and one green eye.” He explained. Claus got up from the ground. “RIDLEY?! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!?” he scolded. “Oh, uh…” Ridley shook and gritted his teeth. “You caught me. I was making fun of her.” Ridley admitted. In the other room, Drago put his head up against the wall. “Phazon, I’m glad I wasn’t in this… I don’t mind.” Drago bursted into the room. “Hey guys!” he greeted. The Ultimate Chimera groaned and went into an underground tunnel.

Chapter 3: Stay Cool, Chimera!

The UC’s scaly head poked out of the hole. He was in a large library. Pictures of the Pigmask Army were all over the place. The Ultimate Chimera suddenly felt nostalgic. He remembered eating members of the Pigmask Army whole, making the entire hallway silent. Back then, he was a murderous animal without a brain. Now, he was a sentient chimera, who thought out his attacks and only resorted to killing people if they were truly evil. A single tear dropped onto the carpet as he smiled. He lifted himself out of the tunnel and looked through the bookshelves. “Turtle Tumble, Turtle Tumble, Turtle Tumble, Spyro’s Kingdom, Turtle Tumble, Turtle Tumble… This guy has a horrible taste in stories.” He moaned. Suddenly, he noticed a normal notebook and pulled it out. “My 2012 Diary…” the UC snickered. “Oh, I bet this is going to be good!” He threw it into the tunnel. Suddenly, the doors opened, and a spider-like figure appeared.

It was Porky Minch.

“OH PHAZON!” the Ultimate Chimera cried. He jumped down and grabbed the diary. The tunnel got wider and dirt collapsed as Porky ran. “I THINK YOU HAVE MY 2012 DIARY!” he screamed. The UC could feel his heart beating quickly as he ran. Porky got closer and closer. When he felt the metal touch the tip of his tail, he sprinted. Suddenly, the UC ran into a dirt wall and looked up. “CLAUS!!” he cried. Claus noticed the Ultimate Chimera holding the diary close to his chest and heard the sound of Porky’s bed mecha moving forward and grabbed the Ultimate Chimera’s paw. The UC flapped his tiny wings, which gave him a small boost. Eventually, he finally got up. He was so close, he felt the small burst of wind of one of Porky’s mecha legs swiping, aiming for his tail. He breathed heavily as he looked down and saw the tunnel collapsing beneath him. The dirt clashed against other dirt and everything crashed. He heard robotics being crushed by sheer force. Ridley and Drago rushed to the room. “Woah, did I just see Porky Minch get… Buried?” Ridley said under his breath. “Sega, time to make a new thing called ''Porky Underground''!” Drago joked. “Don’t phazoning remind me of Sonic.” Claus scolded, putting his arm cannon next to Ridley’s head before slowly putting it back down. The Ultimate Chimera pulled out the diary. “Well, I took Porky’s diary! It’s from 2012, but this might be hilarious!” Ridley and Drago glanced at each other. “Is it just me, or do Ridley and Drago glance at each other a lot in these stories?” Claus asked. “Phazon you, Claus, now the fourth wall has to be rebuilt…” Ridley groaned.

Chapter 4: Diary of the Pork

The Ultimate Chimera opened to the first page of the diary.

''“Barbie is so hot! I collect Barbie dolls because Barbie is just that attractive! ''

1/3/12

Porky Minch <3”

For a few seconds, the room was silent. Ridley smiled like a fool, trying not to laugh. “Barbie and Porky is the cutest couple!” he started laughing. Drago sighed. Claus stared at Ridley. “Porky doesn’t even deserve love… But I guess an inanimate object is amazing for him. I second that ship.” Claus started laughing with Ridley. Drago decided to join them. “Hopefully he will sing the Barbie song for all of us!” he joked and fake laughed. Ridley and Claus stopped and stared at the Dragonite. “Oh, come on, I’m, like, HILARIOUS. My humor is funny as phazon.”

The Ultimate Chimera flipped to the next page.

“Well, umm, I don’t know what to say… Well, I met a dog named Sparky-“                                                           

The Ultimate Chimera was stopped by Ridley. “SPORKY CONFIRMED!” he roared. The Ultimate Chimera growled under his breath and continued reading.

''“Well, umm, I don’t know what to say… Well, I met a dog named Sparky who also loved Turtle Tumble! We became best friends instantly! ''

1/5/12”

Ridley started smiling. “SPORKY FOR LIFE!” he screeched happily. “Hey, where did your computer go?” Drago taunted. Ridley’s expression went from pleasure to fury. The Ultimate Chimera started reading again.

''“Wow! I just finished reading Twilight! It’s so deep! I also bought an epic new game called Shadow the Hedgehog! My favorite character so far is… Well… SHADOW!''

1/8/12”

Drago sighed in annoyance. “Porky was still a watermelon in 2012…” Ridley glanced at Drago and started smiling again. “You see, most people became stupid in 2012. Some people never went past this year in their lives.”

Chapter5: Under the Earth

The four laughed at the diary for five hours straight. The Ultimate Chimera just finished reading the final page. “HAH! He burned a picture of me, hoping that he would also burn me in the process?! That’s hilarious!” Claus said cheerfully. The Ultimate Chimera smiled and put the diary into a cold box that said “TRASH”, along with the Warriors books Porky threw at him in late 2013. “I could try to get another diary!” the Ultimate Chimera exclaimed. Ridley glared at him. “Dude, you nearly got ripped apart by Porky last time, you might need some-“the Ultimate Chimera was already in a tunnel. Drago sighed. Claus turned around. “Stay here.” Claus jumped into the tunnel. At the bottom, the UC was digging wildly. “Oh, uh, hey Chimera…” The Ultimate Chimera was too focused on digging. Abruptly, soil fell from where the Ultimate Chimera was digging as if there was an opening on the other side. Suddenly, Claus and the UC fell into a large open area with dirt walls. “What is this place…? I dug around this area, and if it WAS here and I just didn’t notice it, it would’ve been crammed with pounds of soil by now, because I think everything was buried…” Claus closely investigated small patterns in the dirt walls. “There are many sharp cone-like formations, and there is one thing that looks like the front of Porky’s mecha…” Claus looked closer. “Tons of the cones in every corner…” suddenly, the Ultimate Chimera heard something. “I swear I just heard metal legs moving…” he whispered. He sarcastically smiled. “Oh, Chimera, it’s just your sharp hearing!” Claus turned around, only to see a large spider mech.

It was Porky.

Well, Porky again.

“PORKY!” the Ultimate Chimera screamed, charging at the mech. One of the mech’s legs Porky controlled grabbed the UC’s right wing and flung him behind his large massive robot. Claus then shot Porky, causing some of the dirt ceiling to fall. Some of the dust got in the machinery, and Porky’s mecha malfunctioned. The UC jumped into the side of the mech and started biting the electronics, only to fall off when the mech lifted. “Oh, I forgot my mech could do this… See you next time, idiots.” Porky flew up, hit the ceiling, and fell back down. “Ah… Phazon you…” he grunted. The Ultimate Chimera and Claus glanced at each other. Porky pulled out a book titled Turtle Tumble and flipped through the pages. “Well, uhh…” The Ultimate Chimera started to get bored. “That was underwhelming… I mean, it looks like there’s going to be an epic fight scene and then Porky just… Falls… Who writes this phazon?” Porky started laughing at the book. “Oh my Arceus, I just love it when the turtle says ‘but they gave us eyedrops’! That is amazing humor right there! Almost as great as Mega Babies! Almost.” Suddenly, two dragons flew in from the hole in the ceiling.

It was Drago. He flew down next to Claus.

“Uhh, so, this is awkward…” Drago stared at the Turtle Tumble book. “Porky, I have never noticed this, but what the phazon is wrong with your face? I mean, your hair is covering your eyes, so how do you see? Also, your mouth is open all of the time and your teeth take up the entire thing, it looks like paper was stuck in your mouth…” Porky ignored Drago’s criticism and kept reading. “Oh, I love this part, where Warnado goes to Turtlegoal’s lair!”

Chapter 6: Porky’s House

Suddenly, a large ray of plasma hit Porky’s mech. A large purple figure entered the room. Its orange eyes were glowing as it opened its mouth to unleash another plasma attack.

It was none other than Ridley.

The Turtle Tumble book crumbled and burned until it was just a crisp and a severely burnt cover. Ridley flew up, covered in flames, creating a tunnel to Porky’s house. “Woah, Ridley, I didn’t know you could do that!” Drago squealed in awe. Porky looked at the tunnel with a mad expression. “FINE! LET’S SEE WHAT THIS MECH CAN DO!” the mech lifted off of the ground and into the tunnel. Once Porky was finally in his house again, he saw that the library was burned and ripped apart. He rushed to his living room, and saw Ridley destroying his Mega Babies and Hetalia DVDs. All of the Sonic, Bubsy, movie-related, and Dora games were burned. His shelves of Warriors, Club Penguin, and Twilight books were torn apart. “STOP THAT RIGHT NOW, YOU USELESS REPTILE!” Ridley ignored Porky’s cry of fury and crushed his Fassad-themed bed and tore open his Zero Suit Samus-themed pillows. He picked up the mattress and threw it at Porky. “OKAY, ‘RIDDLE, GO BACK TO THE PORTAL MASTER YOU OH-SO CARE ABOUT AND STOP BOTHERING ME!” Ridley started to use a combination of his fire breath and plasma breath to scorch the Shadow the Hedgehog wallpapers. Rushing through the mess, Porky picked up a picture of Sparky. “At least this is still here…” Ridley snuck behind Porky and whispered something to him.

“Sporky for life.”

Porky raged. He threw the remains of his books at him. Suddenly, Porky remembered something.

His mech had powers.

He got on top of the mattress Ridley threw at him and started firing a laser beam at Ridley. Since the laser was incredibly thin and easy to avoid, Ridley flew above it and fired a plasma blast at Porky. After that, the pig king himself fainted and a charred Turtle Tumble book fell onto the glass that protected him. Ridley grinned and quickly flew to another room.

Meanwhile, Drago and the Ultimate Chimera were in Claus’ living room.

“So, uhh, I heard you like Dark Souls, Drago…” the Ultimate Chimera said with a tone of fear. Drago madly stared at the UC. “Well, I just play Dark Souls 2 and sometimes pester people about fighting dragons, but at least I don’t dance and make bigfoot noises!” Drago taunted with a smile. The Ultimate Chimera growled. “I do that to annoy you, and I do it when I eat those mushrooms-I think they were labeled ‘Tanetane Island mushrooms’-Porky keeps in his fridge that make you go insane and see pretty colors everywhere.” Drago’s eyes widened. “You mean… You bursting into Porky’s house is actually somewhat… Normal?” the Ultimate Chimera nodded. “Ah, yes. I love to break into his house and mess with his stuff. I sometimes like to do it with Rayman. Claus also likes to do it after Porky breaks into this house. Ridley does it fairly often, but he nearly destroys Porky’s house so much it’s a wonder how it looks so clean and perfect whenever someone else goes there about a day later.” Drago just stayed quiet for a few seconds. “Uhh, so, want to watch me play Tetris?” Drago pulled out a Gameboy decorated with Claus stickers. The Ultimate Chimera got up and curled around Drago, staring at the Gameboy’s screen. “I guess that’s a yes.” Drago got a Tetris cartridge and put it into the Gameboy.

Later, Ridley was looking through Porky’s computer.

“Phazon, I know Claus said my web history was bad, but WHAT THE PHAZON IS THIS. Also, why is Porky’s desktop wallpaper him, Sparky, and Portal Master Evil taking a selfie?” He took a look at Porky’s favorites on YouTube. “Mother 3 version anime, Super Smash Bros. 4 – Ridley is TOO Big!, KAWAII OVERLOAD – Lovely Planet, Internet Explorer Commercial Song HD… Phazon you Porky. Also, WHY IS EVERYTHING SO SLOW?!” Ridley looked at the taskbar. “Internet Explorer… Oh. Should I Google ‘download Google Chrome’… Oh, Porky uses Bing, NEVERMIND. I shouldn’t help Porky anyway. Let’s look at his downloads… There’s a file named ‘Justin Bieber’, a file named ‘Miley Cyrus’, a file named ‘ANIME CLAUS AKA THE COMMANDER’… What… Oh, and there’s a file named ‘SHPPINGS INCLUDING ME’…, and another file called ‘CALL OF DUTY EMULATORS BECAUSE NINTENDO CHARACTERS AREN’T ALLOWED TO BUY GAMES FROM MICROSOFT OR SONY WHICH IS A SHAME CONSIDERING I PREFER THOSE TWO OVER MY OWN COMPANY SO I HAVE TO PIRATE THIS STUFF’… What a long name… CODGHOSTS.exe, SONIC.exe, CODMODERNWARFARE3.exe, CODGHOSTS2IFTHATEXISTS.exe, okay…” Ridley threw the laptop at the window, saw the glass break, and watched it fall into the pool Porky had. “Well, I think that’s enough Porky for today.” He went back into Porky’s scorched bedroom and noticed Porky was still unconscious. He winked and headed for the underground room.

Chapter 7: Destruction of the Underground

Nobody but Claus was there. “Hey Claus, why are you still here?” Ridley asked him. “Well, Drago and Ridley wanted to go up into the living room, and so did I, but I just wanted to make sure you were alive so I stayed here so I could hear you destroying things to make sure Porky didn’t turn you into some phazon-awful red eye-green eye chimera.” Ridley flew up into the living room, looking down at the hole. “Uhh, Claus, are you coming?” Claus looked up at him. “Yeah, I just need to make sure this underground stuff doesn’t happen again. Claus charged up his arm cannon and shot the roof of the room and quickly flew upstairs. Soil tumbled down, destroying it. Drago got a small carpet with a Dratini on it to hide the tunnel. He looked at the UC on the couch, holding the Gameboy Drago was playing Tetris on. “HEY! GIVE THAT BACK!” Drago screeched. The Ultimate Chimera dropped the Gameboy, and it turned out he beat Drago’s high score. He looked at his score in awe. “H-how did you do that?!” Drago squealed. “Bird.” The Ultimate Chimera said in a monotone voice, pointing to the bird on his head. Drago started smiling like a fool, trying not to laugh.

“Remember Dr. Turtlegoal?”